"It Feels Like My Soul Has Died"

I'm so glad you're here. You're probably here because you are suffering a lot, and I'm so sorry you are suffering. But I'm also glad that you found this, because I want to share hope for those who are suffering in withdrawal. I'm offering anything I can to help you through this really hard time.

I went through an awful, brutal psych meds withdrawal experience, but I have healed and come through it. I'm living well now, and I want to share my story and the hope I have for you: that you can get through this too, and that there can be real good for you on the other side, even though I know it’s hard to imagine right now.

I recently received a heartfelt letter from someone in the midst of withdrawal. A lot of what they shared really captures what so many people are going through. With their permission, I’m sharing their message and my response here in hopes that it encourages you too.

A Subscriber's Heartfelt Message

Hi Joanna,

I just wanted to say thank you to you and how helpful your blog & videos are to me as I go through this terrifying and unexpected journey that is withdrawal. To see how you have recovered gives me hope which I really need right now. I’m right in the middle of feeling so scared and afraid of never healing or ever feeling myself again, as well as fearing how long this could go on for. I share your faith in God so it really helps me that your blog comes from a Christian perspective, especially as there have been times I’ve felt confused to admit it feels like God has abandoned me.

I have been tapering two antidepressants since May 2022 and had been following the advice of no more than 10% reductions but somehow things caught up with me in March this year when I was near to being completely off one of the meds and I realised I’d stupidly gone too fast in my haste to get to zero. I’m still in shock that I spoiled all my hard work at the last minute and finding it hard not to beat myself up about it. If only I could have avoided landing myself in withdrawal!

I’m now trying to stabilise on the last quarter of a miligram so I can finish my taper and then resume the taper of the other med too, but so far, I seem to be getting worse. Did you find things got worse before they started improving?

Reading about your story and when you started seeing improvements (even though I know everyone’s timeline is unique) helps me to see people do come through this and not only that, but thrive afterwards too. But it’s hard to truly believe it will happen for me too.

The worst parts for me are feeling I’ve lost myself forever (like my soul has died if that makes sense, did you experience this?), the constant terror and restlessness, and feeling that everything around me is alien and frightening even if it is places and people I know well. Even my own room feels altered and unsafe somehow.

Did you experience akathisia and if you did, are you planning a post/video on it (if it’s not too distressing for you to have to go back over it)? That’s the other thing that worries me - that if I do recover, the whole experience has been so traumatic that it will scar me for life.

Thank you again for being a source of safe and hopeful information about withdrawal, and wishing you lots of continued healing.

My Response

Dear friend,

Thank you for your message and sharing with me this part of your journey. You articulate the thoughts and experiences of withdrawal very well. So much of what you have named in your email are the quintessential questions of the experience. It sounds like you are experiencing the classic questions and process of withdrawal and healing.

Being scared of never healing is a major fear in withdrawal. I think you can even call it a symptom in and of itself. The truth is that withdrawal is finite. It is not forever. It feels when you are in it like a personal horror individually tailored for your personal and everlasting torment. But that is because our brains are personal and our very brains are tormented by our nervous systems being dysregulated and not producing enough of the happy hormones.

Each person who goes through this experiences their own personal hell with their own private memories, fears, motivations, all on rations for the tiny bit of serotonin and dopamine production. I like to compare the nervous system to a tree. Trees by nature grow but we cannot radically really speed their growth. All the nerve endings and production systems that were greatly reduced by the meds are growing back. And they will grow back!

You have not lost your soul; it is safe in Christ. I learned from Angie that those who go through a hard withdrawal experience what she called "a total annihilation of the self." It sounds like that is what you are experiencing right now. The constant terror and restlessness, the alien feelings that nothing is safe, the feeling that you have died inside or lost anything good about yourself forever-you will probably get breaks from these (waves and windows pattern-if you have that pattern).

Then one day it will just be over. It may come back at times but it will be less and less often, less long, less distressing, until it is something that just doesn't happen any more. I think I did have akathisia but it was not as dominant a symptom as I have heard it was for some and it came and went. And, yes, things did get really bad for me before they got better for sure. I suspect that because you have been so safe in your tapering that you will bounce back from this pretty fast. It sounds like your body is trying to stabilize after this last reduction. But I think because it's not a cold turkey that you are in a wave that may last days or weeks but not months. That is my hunch based on what I know from what I have read, witnessed, and experienced.

Somehow though all of this withdrawal nightmare will just become a faded memory. The same way a bad dream or a really embarrassing experience or breakup eventually just becomes a faded memory that you are so thankful it is in the past. The same way any hardship can deepen us personally in our faith, in our perspective, in our gratitude, in our habits, so withdrawal has all of that benefit for us. I think hell would be much like withdrawal but without any graces, comfort, or hope to hold on to.

In many ways this has made me even more thankful for my Savior and cling to him even more. He is the light and there is no darkness in him though he himself entered darkness for me. But he overcame it for me and by his work I have salvation from everything that would otherwise eternally condemn me. And in him, none of our suffering is wasted. To suffer as a Christian is solidarity with Christ and unites us with him. It may not feel that way now for sure! But the fact is that the suffering we experience is a calling and an honor. He has considered us worthy of the honor of this suffering, to survive it, to seek him in it, to rely on him more deeply, to wait for him, and trust him despite the odds. It is an undeniable testimony to the darkness of our particular time.

And he has good ahead for you. This verse was one that comforted me: "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10

I stand with you in this hope!

❤️‍🩹 Joanna